The Problem With XBOX is...

Either out of kindness, or simply my lack of an actual life, I’ve decided to take time out of my busy day and ponder the reasons as to why Xbox is failing in Japan. It took me less than 3 minutes to figure out the reasons as to why they can’t seem to penetrate that market, and what boggles my mind is why they themselves can’t seem figure it out. In fact, I can narrow it down to two simple facts that will ensure that Xbox never makes it in Japan.

1) Even with the new “Sleek” 360 (yeah right, the system is still huge), we have to remember that the Japanese are tiny mole-like people who don’t enjoy things that are super huge. This stands as a contrast to us fat, obnoxious Americans; we like our shit to be as big as can be. We super-size the hell out of it and hope for the best! Americans dig having a system that is, for instance, the size of a dump truck parked in their living rooms… well, ok, maybe not. But we’d still get over it faster than they would.

It doesn’t matter how many big name Japanese publishers you get, or how many big franchise games you secure as exclusives. The simple fact about the Japanese market is that you have to either make your games feature a lot of swordplay, or simply make them gay. Just look at Nintendo if you don’t believe me. Of their biggest games, Zelda has swordplay while everything else screams gayness! So until Master Chief’s Tea Party comes out, I’m not sure that the Japanese will be swayed!

2) No one digs a fat, overbearing, power and money hungry S.O.B. and – let’s be honest here – that describes Microsoft to a T! How many people remember that Youtube video with a fat bald guy running around on stage acting like a retard while he sweats like a stuffed pig? I mean, the Japanese already view us as stupid barbarians who want nothing more than to rape, plunder and pillage, so adding your average balding Microsoft Executive squealing at the top of his lungs as he runs around on stage in a pit-stained shirt like a jackhole isn’t the best way to win over that market! When I talk about balding, I’m not referring to J. Allard either. The biggest issue plaguing Xbox is Microsoft itself! Instead of simply making a normal system out of the 360, MS had to get cute with it, and now half the time it doesn’t work or it freezes or locks up (as many have claimed has happened), and the backwards compatibility eats shit, simply because they couldn’t just make a normal damn system! It’s funny; Nintendo isn’t a “technology company,” yet their new system will be backwards compatible with their previous system. You know why? Because they didn’t dick around like MS ALWAYS DOES!

So in short, if Gates could stop being a jackhole for 2.2 seconds and just let Xbox stand on it’s own, it’d have a far better chance of succeeding! And speaking of Bill Gates, if he really wanted to step down and start giving out all his money to good causes, how about bringing some of it this way, Bill? How about giving back to all the people you rear-ended all these years! Just a thought!